The Magic 27

I’m twenty-seven years old tomorrow. In twelve hours, actually, if you go by birth time. It’s not a big deal for most people but…

Twenty-seven… do you know how many important people in my world died at twenty-seven? Hendrix, man. That Joplin girl, although she’s never been my thing. Brian ‘The Bastard’ Jones. Kurt. Robert ‘Devil at the Crossroads’ Johnson. There are more – wiki for 27 Club.

And then there is the man it always comes back to. The adored Jim.

I haven’t spoken about him here for awhile, although maybe I have and it just doesn’t feel like it. It was ten years ago or thereabouts that I really discovered what it was he meant to me and would come to mean to me, and I’m about to outlive the weak-willed bastard. I have loved him for such a long old time that I only remember how it is not to love him in theory. I know there was a time that I didn’t love him, but I don’t feel it.

I don’t want to outlive Jim, I really don’t… but to achieve even a sliver of what he did, I will have to. I’m not on the same special fasttrack as him. To outlive my great hero, to surpass him even only chronologically, feels so wrong. I can argue of course, that as he’d be sixty-five if he’d bothered to live, I still haven’t caught up. I’m STILL playing catch-up, still! I still feel this ridiculous tugging towards that undeserving old bastard… and reaching 27 hasn’t changed that.

*

I’m actually healthier now than ever before. I keep relatively fit by going to the work gym (sometimes i even manage to go twice a week!) and I don’t eat even a fraction of the rubbish I used to. Crisps are gone. Most chocolate is gone. Cookies during work remain a vice, because Sainsbury’s cookies are such manna from heaven. I don’t drink Coke anymore, diet or otherwise, though my dependence on tonic water is worrying it’s nothing in comparison to the bad, bad old days.

I don’t get much more sleep than I used to, but at least now I think "Ah, half twelve, I should think about sleep" rather than "Ah, half three." Maybe I’m just on my way to the middle like everyone else, I don’t know.

I don’t have to battle the demon drink like I might once have done, although I’m drinking Marsala right now. I’ve fought and partly-won against my own lesser demons. I don’t pretend to have won completely, or forever. Maybe listening to Jimmy right now is enough to send me back to the depths, or to the bottom of a bottle.

I’m not really much different to the person I was two, five, ten years ago. But that person has fought the right battles enough times to have just a little control over those lesser demons, just a little. I’m still the Unhappy Girl from Strange Days, but I know why I am and I increasingly choose it.

Ten years ago I was a rock music obsessive who watched way too many movies. My dreams are still more or less the same as they were then, but maybe at least with a couple of roots in reality. I’m the same person. I don’t change.

*

Anyway, I won’t outlive Jim Morrison until 20 Oct 2009. I won’t have to really worry until then, right? I still hope that when I die, he’ll be the one to come collect me, and I won’t know whether he’s from heaven or from hell. Except that it can’t be heaven without him and the others…

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17 Responses to The Magic 27

  1. emony says:

    I don’t drink Coke anymore, diet or otherwise

    This is clearly a good thing, of course, but I can’t quite comprehend you without Coke.

    • apollarock says:

      It’s weird, certainly… but it proves that my insomnia is nothing to do with caffeine.

      • emony says:

        True, true. I think caffeine’s bad for you in other ways though, or at least the quantities of it that you used to get through are, so it’s definitely a good move to drink less of it.

        As to the insomnia, there I can’t help. My mother has had difficulty sleeping for years and years, but I have the opposite problem – I sleep far too much.

      • apollarock says:

        You can say the same thing about choc and microwave pizza and pot noodles and all the other shit I used to cram down my throat.

        Frankly, on one level I think it’s a fuckin’ miracle I made it this far.

        Any decisions on the uni front?

      • emony says:

        Jolly good show on getting healthier then, eh? 🙂 I wish I could say I was healthier, but I think I’m probably far less healthy now that I have a car and drive everywhere. Oh well.

        I think I know what I’m going to do, but I haven’t done anything about it yet. I need to get a move on really.

      • apollarock says:

        If you’ve decided, there’s no need to delay…

        It wouldn’t be harder for me to be not-as-unhealthy as I was, but I’m definitely actually healthier. I can feel it. Not a bad feeling except for the ache in my thighs and the pain in my back…

      • emony says:

        Good for you, mate. Maybe you’ll live past 27 after all then.

        I’m only delaying in case I change my mind. And because I’m lazy, but we’ll keep that little detail to ourselves and not pass it on to the Universities, eh? 😉

      • apollarock says:

        Your secret, it is safe with me.

        As for me living past 27, I’ll take what I get. I was never scared of dying like I was meant to be!

  2. Nice post! I live how you mention Jim a a lot and his influence on you in this upcoming b’day post. I only just recently discovered how great he was too (I’m 17.)How did you discover him btw?

    Achieving a slight bit of what he did is a nice goal I think. I can understand how you feel, outliving him and feeling you haven’t achieved as much as him at this age seeing as he’s your hero, but then again who has? He is a complete god, a diamond in the rough, one of a kind. I agree that it “can’t be heaven without him and the others”… totally.

    One of the others for me is ‘That Joplin girl’ haha. I adore her, maybe not as much as Jim, maybe more but I doubt it, ha. I understand that she isn’t everyone’s taste, music wise, lifestyle wise, voice wise (being called a dying, screaming cat when she sings) and so on. Nevermind…

    That 27 ‘curse’ is pretty freaky though, and sadly ‘it’ if it really is a curse (doubt it) has taken a few that are spiritually close to me such as Jimbo and Janis…

    I hope your 27th year is full of the best of luck and joy btw. I don’t know you that well but I hope to get to know you more as we have a few things in common, and shared feelings towards a certain someone too hehe.

    Happy birthday for tommorrow too!! I hope it’s gonna be great : )

    • apollarock says:

      Hey girl…

      27 without mentioning Jim? That’s for Other People! I can feel that, no matter how OK I felt yesterday, this is going to fuck me up, to know that I’m passing him by. He was meant to be… something better than just a statistic. I’ll love him forever, but I’ll never forgive him for giving in. How can a fool such as I succeed where that boy, that miraculous but terrible boy, failed? That’s not right in my head.

      Joplin’s OK, I respect her but I hate her voice. I like Dean Martin, you know, so voices like hers… not so much!

      • I think he was something better than just a statistic, of course. He was known as a young rebel, genius, artist and so on. Ha, yeah, he wasnt afraid to drink and smoke and all that, thats for sure. He also had doctor phobia, ha. It is terrible, doesn’t make much sense. I, and many others think he was a gentle being with very pure intentions, yet he was taken away too early. Not fair at all, life isn’t fair.

        Yeah fair enough. She isn’t everyones cup of tea afterall. She was respectable though, I’m with you on that.

        Did you know that she had an encounter with Jim, when he was drunk and obnoxious with her? She knocked him out with a bottle of whiskey that night, he loved that, and her and wanted to see more of her, she wanted nothing to do with him after that. She was quite terified of him I guess, wasn’t a big fan, she was a loving drunk while he was an obnoxious one.

      • apollarock says:

        To answer your previous question: I found the Doors randomly, like most people. Popular kids don’t like the Doors: they’re for the outsiders.

        The way I read it, Jimbo (for it was he) attempted to (or outright did) sexually assault her and she hit back with some Southern Comfort.

        Thing I’ve learned: our Jim could be a total bastard and we have to accept that if we are to move past it.

        Moreover: there are only obnoxious drunks. As the song goes: whiskey is the devil in liquid form. This I know from bitter, terrible experience.

      • Ah I see, I was sent a CD and that was that, their music captured me. Most ‘popular’ kids here are into that hip-hop, dance shit, lol. I think they are popular with youth in general though, part of the reason why they possibly are the greatest band still, their music is living on through generations I guess.

        Yeah, he wanted sex outright to the point where he grabbed her hair, she knocked him out with it. Theres also a different take on it where she taunted him and knocked him out jokingly, haha. Dunno which one to belive, the first take is the story as most know it though.

        Yes, I definitely accept that, though he was human afterall. The way I know it, he was mainly that bastard when he was under the influence. Though, he was so witty and smart that in situations he would just get his way by prvoking people and making them uncomfortable, haha. He liked to test people and situations. He was a bit unsettling and even terrrible to be around in some cases, but hilarious and widely misunderstood at times.

        Sorry about that, yeah i can imagine that it can become a real problem and a killer of ones spirit during alchoholism.

      • apollarock says:

        He was human, of course. It would be hard to love him if he wasn’t. I suspect that underneath the bluster he was incredibly shy and unsure of himself… which led him to acting out as a teenager and ultimately to be a bastard in adulthood. He was an alcoholic, let us not plaster over that with legend. He was an alcoholic and that is a terrible thing for any human. He needed someone/some people to be brave enough to stand up to him and I don’t think anyone did/could.

      • Yes, it would be. His humanity is what allows me to relate to him so much. I got the shy notion from him too, he was shy with women before he claimed rock star status too. Haha, awww.

        Pam Courson tried to set him straight in some ways, she looked out for him. There are some loving, hilarious stories about them in ‘Angels Dance and Angels Die’… it’s a good read and it brought me closer to him/them. He seemed like a generally caring, thoughtful person and boyfriend in the opinions in that. It also shows their harder moments and his trails too. I found it to be a very honest read, not fairytale like too.

        There’s also this bit that suggests that Jim was one of the people who couldnt metabolise alchohol properly… which would explain him going crazy on people while others who drank were just ‘drunk.’

  3. emberfire says:

    Happy Birthday!

    That’s awesome you’re healthier nowadays. I find making it to the gym is the hardest part and am envious that you make your way there.

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